Saturday, May 24, 2008


Me, them and him, and him.

Long story short, Thursday night I foolishly wiped off some transdermal nitroglycerin paste with my bare hands. Right about the time the doc starts relating to me a similar story about his resident and her subsequent splitting headache I notice I have a splitting headache. Then I start to feel really light headed. Then I start to sweat.
Idiot. Lesson learned.

Them and him.
I get a transfer from another, similar, floor in the hospital--a floor that should be able to take a nitro drip (them). The doc says he feels more comfortable with the patient on our floor and we're closer to the ICU(him). Now, in a certain sense, I find that flattering. We are "ICU-lite" and the night shift is staffed with a bunch of bad ass nurses and techs but still...
Either the patient is stable and they should stay put or they're crumping and they belong in the ICU. Physical proximity is a moot point--our hospital has elevators.

Stupid, dumb-fuck, pro baseball scout. A scout for the local pro baseball team recently came out to take a look at one of the athletes I help train. This kid (Zeus) is a bad ass. Not only does he have the requisite athletic prowess but he's also a genuinely nice guy.
To the point. The scout says he has a good chance of going pro and they want him to play with one of their minor league feeder teams this summer. But, he needs to quit doing so much weight training 'cause they want him to "lean out and get more fluid [when he moves]" What. The. Fuck?! The power to run fast, to jump high, to swing a bat, and to throw a ball comes from the hips. This guys hips can Clean and Jerk 150kgs.
Let's compare him to that red-headed step child from the STL Cardinals. Back when Mark McGwire was hitting all those home runs the magazine Muscular Development did a feature article on him. (I remember specifically because some friends of mine were writing for them at the time) Anyway, the article mentioned how Mark was able to Clean 250lbs. Wow!
Not really. For those of you not familiar with metrics, that's about 112.5 kilos. Significantly less than 150. This scout is some paid lackey with no background in exercise science/athletic training/sport specific conditioning who probably still believes in that ol' "muscle bound" theory.
Dumbfuck idiot.

I changed my time stamp to GMT +1 hour....for all my homies in Bruge.


Gross. (And I clean up other peoples shit professionally)

Recently, whenever I took a shower, the drain in the garage backs up and I got a little lake just inside the door to my back yard. No big thing right? It eventually drains. However, a few days ago I noticed what appeared to be pieces of toilet paper around the drain. So I called the friendly plumber to come out and snake my main line (damn, you'd think I was writing a plot summary for gay porn). Anyway, plumber comes out this morning and does the old roto-rooter bit, runs the shower while he's doing it, minor bit of lake in the garage, etc., etc.

After he leaves, I go out to try and rinse the accumulated detritus down the drain. Lo and behold, I see/smell something that must have come from the hoary netherparts of a cheap hooker. A mass of sludge-y, foul, foulness and...
Corn kernels.
Someone else's undigested corn kernels.
Someone else's nasty, undigested corn poopies.

I'm almost too tired to be upset.

Earlier this morning I sent a patient to the ICU. I'd say I had a fairly busy night contending with this patient. Much heartfelt thanks to all my co-workers especially Bram, SM, and Soobee for taking care of my other patients during crunch time.

'Nuff said.

*to be said out loud like that crazy soccer announcer "goooooooaaaaalllll"

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Pain and Condoms

Alas, gentle readers, 'tis not the theme of the previous weekend--like "Hookers and Blow" or "Blood and Semen" (what? not mixed together). Anyway, these are two things that I have come to despise over the past few years.

You see, some asshole, somewhere, decided that every patient needs to be assessed for pain every four hours then re-assessed within one hour if given pain medicine. Nurse Soobee summarizes it quite nicely but, I forget how exactly she words it so I'll try to paraphrase.
*No doctor is going to assess all their patients every four hours (and re-assess).
*It has come down from on high that q4 hour assessments must be done.
*Ergo, it becomes one more responsibility for the (underpaid) nurse.

Personally, I think it's bullshit. I'm a big boy. If I'm having pain I'm mature enough to use the call light and ask for some pain meds. Why can't everybody else?

The latter.

I hate condoms.
I loathe condoms.
I despise condoms.
Quite frankly I would rather masturbate than have sex with a condom--because it feels better. I mean, I'm taking a piece of rubber and putting it over the most sensitive part. I estimate about a 90% reduction in feeling. Ladies, let me try to put it into perspective. Imagine you ask your partner to go down on you. "Sure," they say, but first let me lay down this sheet of rubber that is going to reduce the total available sensation to about 10% of what it could be. Would you still want to do it?

/end rant

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Mid week gather

...I'm pretty sure she nicked the tip*

Several of the regulars met at H-train's last night (Tweener, No nickname, Indy, She who saved us from Nubbins, etc) for a cookout. I can't seem to recall the reason why but, we had one. Smo, the lovely and talented preceptor chose not to attend. The wench.

Twas a good time had by all with a whole lot of airing of night shift gossip.

Hopefully all the same, and a few more, will get together in a few weeks for a going away party. One of our faithful shifters is going to Wichita to be closer to her boyfriend--do RNs need a better excuse to drink? Myself, I'm hijacking onto that party because yours truly is leaving for the ER (or ED if you're hip to the lingo). With any luck I won't turn into a cynical asshole like so many other ED RNs. Sorry, more of a cynical asshole.

*shortly after arriving to casa de H-train, No nickname friend discovered that I was going regimental. (That's commando for those of you who don't own a kilt.) By shortly, I mean within a minute of walking in the door. Anyway, several beers later, and egged on by Tweener and her SO, No nickname reached her hand up my sorts to try and touch package....

Friday, May 2, 2008

First Post

Fer godsakes people, crack a book once in a while!

The other day in the weight room one of the football players made this comment,

"...after you 'jood' me out of that lift." (he was referring to the fact that I had turned down one of his lifts the previous weekend at a weightlifting competition)
Surprising...coming from someone his age (early 20s)
Perhaps slightly more surprising... coming from a young black man.
Even more surprising...this took place in the weight room of a private, Christian college.*
I took the opportunity to educate the young man on the error of his way, pointing out that it was, in fact, a slur.
" No, no, no." he says, "Not jewed. 'Jood,' J-U-D."
"Yes," I said. "You mean 'like a jew.' That's where it comes from."
"No, J-U-D. I mean like you cheated me out of something."

Oy vey! (And I'm not even one of the chosen.) I went on to explain the context and historical stereotyping of the phrase, I hope, to his betterment.

People today have no sense of perspective.

*to be fair? This is a small, private, conservative, Christian college in small, conservative, Olathe, KS.